misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

As i've made a basic life goal out of not being attacked by a grizzly bear, black bear, brown bear, koala bear, polar bear, panda bear, teddy bear, great white shark, hammerhead shark, bull shark, tiger shark, land shark, loan shark, hippopotamus, bengal tiger, siberian tiger, crocodile, sundial, black mamba, black widow, any other black thing with teeth, and rabid eagles, I've made certain sacrifices in my life.

One such sacrifice involves my choice of housing locales. As example, to avoid attack by shark or any other water-based predator, I've decided to live on land. Further, I've decided to avoid water-based activities, including, but not limited to, jet-skiing, surfing, harpooning, pearl diving, and lake bukakke. In this way, I can avoid unpleasant things, such as the placement of tiger shark jaws upon my thigh and fibula bone. I've also chosen not to live in the Serengeti, trees, deserts, cliffs, glaciers, caves, canyons, wild plains, or jungles.

I can attest to one thing: If I were to live in, say, the Yucatan jungle, and, during the course of my residency, a panther managed to gnaw my hands off, you would not hear me complain about it. Why? Because the Yucatan jungle is where the panther lives. It is not where the Mark lives. If the Mark were to go the panther, he would be doing so with full acknowledgment and acceptance of the risks associated with that decision. He would not then, say, go on TV and complain about the panther.

So, then, explain this to me. You move from Washington to Eagle River, Alaska, which is pretty much the home of bears, I mean come on - "Eagle River"? There's eagles at a river, which means there is fish at the river, which means there are bears at the river, not to mention you are in Alaska. And then you start up a nice little suburb and people move into houses next to the eagles and fishes and bears, and then you complain about the bears? You want to kill them? That's quite rude. That would be like me moving into the White House and then complaining that there were too many black presidents walking around. At what point were you given priority to move to where the bears were, express dismay at their presence, and then demand that they should be killed? I've already described my personal solution to this problem: If you do not like bears, move out of places where they live, rather than killing them all so you and your ignorant kids can drink their Hi-C in peace. Look, if I were in my second-floor walk-up apartment in Brooklyn, and a grizzly bear sauntered out of my kitchen with a bag of cheesie poofs, I'd be pretty upset. I might even be ok with someone killing it. But if I lived in Eagle River, and saw the same thing, I would not be upset.

This happened to me in San Diego. I lived at the edge of a new development of houses built into the canyons. Coyotes live in dry brush canyons of the American West. Hence, there were coyotes that would get into garbage cans, eat cats and small dogs. There were also rattlesnakes and black widows (white widows too .. lots of old women in general). Some people wanted to kill all the coyotes. I would invite the coyotes into the backyards of these people with the aid of dead rabbits. If you don't like coyotes, don't live in the canyon. Or at least don't bitch.

I live in Brooklyn, New York, and have yet to see a alligator, boxing kangaroo, jellyfish, or any other animal. It is one of the perks of living here. So if the bears upset you, we'd be more than happy to have you. Eagle Creek is their home - not yours.