misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I've decided to briefly lift my moratorium on writing about co-workers so I can convey perhaps the most ridiculous display of stupidity i've witnessed in the past few years (outside of the time dragonhair walked directly into my guided missle in Bond for my 15th and final kill). I hope this particular co-worker doesn't read the blog, but if she does, then I consider it due retribution for her actions.

This co-worker was recently hired as a co-ordinator of the creative department (essentially, a secretary). She is 22 years old and right out of college. I'm quite sure this is her first job ever, as she carries about an air of naivete and childlike behavior that I am unaccustomed to outside of elementary schools and Nickelodeon fan club conventions. Of particular note to the story are two facts: Firstly, her cube is peppered with cut-outs of Paris Hilton. These cutouts are pinned to her cubicle walls on full display. This isn't because she is making fun of Paris Hilton. It is because Paris Hilton is a genuine role model for her.

Of secondary importance is the fact that spread between these Paris Hilton tear-outs are posted emails from her boyfriend of three months. She actually prints out the emails her boyfriend sends her, highlights key parts of the email, and posts it for all to see. These emails are what you'd expect from an 11-year old boy who got his first crush. I shall provide a sample composite of how one of these emails might read:

My sweet Ali. I adore you. This weekend, I shall take you shopping. I will take you for a pedicure. I love you so much, you can never know. You are my home. A home isn't a place with four walls. It is where your heart is. And your heart is with mine. And one day we will live together and have a home and you will be my home, and together we will live. And I love you.

I could continue, but you get the general idea. Now these emails were of interest to Ben and I before only as a source of entertainment. Who writes like that? And who highlights the highlights of the email, and posts it for her co-workers to read? Well, this past Cinco de Mayo I was lucky enough to find out.

A number of us from work were out at a small, local bar celebrating the fifth of May on behalf of the Mexicans. This girl, and her boyfriend, were among the celebrants. My first read of the boyfriend was that he is a nice guy. He just seems to display his love for people a tad more strongly than I tend to. Regardless, after the introduction, I returned to my cool, refreshing Sierra Nevada (not a Mexican beer, per se, but Sierra is a Spanish word, and Mexicans speak Spanish, so i figured i was honoring their culture in my own way). Roughly ten minutes later, another female co-worker of mine informed me that our naive little 22 year-old Paris fan was in the girl's bathroom making out with a random dude from work. Two things made this information a tad shocking. Firstly, her boyfriend was probably twelve feet away from the bathroom in which she was making out with some dude she'd never really met before. Secondly, she had told about three people to stand watch over the bathroom while she was in there with this other dude. In other words, she wasn't exactly hiding the fact that she was cheating on him. Regardless, I look over at the boyfriend, and he is merrily sipping away on a lemon margarita on the rocks, oblivous to the fact his girlfriend is getting tongued by some curly-haired frat boy four meters away. This whole thing strikes me as odd, but I return to my drink, and continue the conversation I was in before I was notified of this whole thing.

The girlfriend emerges from the bathroom, goes to her boyfriend, puts her arm around him, and picks up her drink as if nothing has happened. Ten minutes later, she goes to the bathroom again, toting this new friend of hers in there with her. I am not particularly sure of how to read this move. Either she is incredibly dumb, or she wants to get caught. Regardless, after another session in the girl's bathroom, she comes out again, and takes a seat at the table I was at. Her boyfriend is standing behind me, maybe three feet away from her, talking to someone else. She proceeds to brag at full volume to the table how she has been in the bathroom twice in this cheating on her boyfriend, and isn't she so bad, and so on. At this point, I must admit, I am a bit confused as to what is happening. Nobody at the table really makes any insightful comments, and we listen to her drunkenly drone on about her actions. About ten minutes later, she returns again to the girl's bathroom with this guy. Finally, her boyfriend catches on. He sees her go into the bathroom with the guy, and busts in. Catching them in the act, he apparantly takes a swing at the guy before others jump in to pull the guy away. His girlfriend is busy rattling off excuses as to why this guy was in there with him. She is truly trying to pull off some sort of story about why he was in there. It was good stuff. I'm not sure what she thought of her man's intelligence, but she thought she might be able to get him to believe that this guy was in there coincidentally, and they were in the same stall together as the result of some random misshap. At this point, the girlfriend is sent outside in tears, as the boyfriend begins to approach us one by one to inquire what we know about what has happened. Suffice to say, after several beers I am in no mood to get involved in this whole thing. He approaches me and the conversation goes something like this:

"You work with ali, right" he questions.
"Yes," I reply.
"Who is this Jay Parker guy" he continues.
"Umm, honestly, dude, I haven't seen that guy before tonight."
He continues, "Look, I love ali. I'm in love with this girl. I bought her a ring this week and I am going to propose to her. And now I find her in the bathroom with this Jay Parker guy. What can you tell me?"
As he seems like a good guy who is in some serious anguish, I briefly consider informing him that his girlfriend is a ridiculous slut who isn't worth his time. However, I withhold.
"Uhhh .. seriously, man, I don't know what is going on. You'll have to ask someone else."

So he continues on the interrogations. He eventually is able to piece together that something has happened in this bathroom. Yet he is unable to assess exactly what happened, as that is only known by his girlfriend and the guy she dragged in there with them.

Eventually, after an hour of crying outside, I see him down on his knee, in front of her, in tears. They leave moments later.

We haven't hear anything about that night since. I have no idea if he proposed, if he broke up, or what. Suffice to say, for his sake, I hope he was ultimately able to piece together that you don't really wanna marry a girl who accidentally finds herself in bathroom stalls with mysterious men, particularly men who have lipstick on their dick.

That's just my advice, but hey, what do I know? I'm single.