misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I was bitched slapped twice on Friday night.

Before I proceed with the story, I feel it is important to define my definition of "bitch slap". As used in the following context, "bitch slap" is a composite term referring to the act of being slapped by a bitch. To further define, a "bitch" is a woman of questionable character. And a "slap" is an open-palmed hit of considerable force to the cheek area of the face.

After work this past Friday, I went to happy hour with co-workers. Starting at around five, and ending around midnight, there was a fair amount of alcohol consumed (by others, of course. as described in previous blogs, I have dramatically toned-down the amount of alcohol I drink in one sitting). Towards the end of night, I found myself sitting with my roommate, and a co-worker. This co-worker of mine is a thirty-year old female who works in the cube opposite of mine. One could describe her as a "bitch" if necessary. She can be moody, verbally-aggressive, and an attention-hound. I was never her biggest fan, but found she could be pleasant enough if you handled her properly. Now, the facts leading up to the bitch slap are a bit hazy, as the bitch slap itself seemingly came out of nowhere. I do know that the girl in question was fairly drunk. I also know that she was, as is her character, being condescending towards me. Having had a few beers, I made an honest comment to her about how often she is condescending to me and others, and how annoying it can be. Suffice to say, she was in no mood to hear my opinion. She leaned in towards me, ripped off my new $500 dollar glasses and threw them into a chair. Then she slapped me. A real, true slap like in the movies. She then proceeded to verbally attack me, using your garden variety form of insults, none of which are really interesting enough to describe in detail (they were all particularly uninsightful -- i'm an asshole, i think i know it all, i have no right to say what i do, i'm cynical, etc. to her defense, i am a know it all, i am cyncial, and often don't have right to criticize as i do). So I listen to her go off on me for a minute or so. At this point, my roommate had retrieved my glasses. I put them back on, looked at my co-worker, and told her I think she's had too much to drink, and should probably go home. She ripped off my glasses for a second time, threw them into the same seat as before, and slapped me again. Then she stormed out.

Well then. There is more to the story, such as her subsequent apology on my voicemail the following morning, and some other tidbits. Suffice to say, I haven't talked to her since that night, even though as I write this, she is seated ten feet from me. Now, as this was my first experience being bitch-slapped, I am unsure as to whether or not I handled it properly. Being slapped causes as instinctive desire to slap back. But, being that she was a girl, I didn't feel this was an option. And likewise, being verbally abused causes a desire to verbally abuse the verbal abuser. However, I wanted to appear more mature than her, and thus didn't respond.

In a way, I am glad to add this experience to my life's memories. Being slapped by a girl as it happens in the movies pleases me. Next, I'd like to get a girl to throw her drink on me. That would give me the daily double I've always wanted.

Suprisingly, the night got even stranger after I had returned home and gone to bed.

Around 6 am I was awoken by the sound of my apartment's doorbell ringing like crazy. Tired and hungover, I layed in bed, hoping a roommate would get it. The doorbell kept ringing. So I got up, went to the frontdoor, and opened it. I wasn't wearing my glasses, but I could clearly make out the fact that my roommate was standing there, completely naked, with his hands covering his schlong. As an added note, we live at the top of a five-story walkup in the middle of Manhattan. I said, "Uh. Hey." He pushed past me, ran into his room, and slammed the door.

I just stood there for a second, turned around, and went back to bed. After the night I had just experienced, the naked roommate thing seemed to fit.

The following afternoon, when I saw him, there was no mention of why he was outside naked at 6 in the morning. He said nothing, I didn't have the guts to ask, so at this point, you're guess is as good as mine.

I'm thinking werewolf, myself.

So, if i live with a werewolf, and get bitch-slapped, all in the same night, I'd have to say manhattan has spiced up my life a bit more than even i expected.