misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I am tired of sending away resumes and emails to job listings I find on websites. I am one of five thousand people applying for the same job, writing the same boring cover letter with the same boring resume. I won't stand out. As of just now, I have employed a new theory. My cover letters will be unique. They will let me stand out from the common folk. I will not follow protocol any longer, or the guidelines of applying to jobs as issued by Santa Clara University Career Center. So here is a Craig's List job posting, followed by my reply. I'll let you know if this fish bites:

The posting
If you eat, sleep, and breathe sports, write well, have layout skills and demonstrated experience with dailies, this job is for you. The Examiner is currently looking for someone who can help produce lively and dramatic sports pages, write witty headlines, and become an interegal part of our sports desk.
Previous tabloid experience a big plus.

If interested, please email Sports Editor Jim Pimentel at jpimentel@sfexaminer.com

My response
Hello Jim,

I am perfect for this job.

Given the current job market in the bay area, and the
interesting description of the job duties, I am
betting that you have received roughly fourteen
million replies to your job posting by now. I can
also assure you that of these replies, many of them
will be by people who are more experienced in the
field of journalism and dailies than I am. Given
these facts, why am I perfect for this job? Let me
explain.

In your job description, you asked for someone who
would, and I quote, "eat, sleep, and breathe sports."
You need look no further. I know I eat sports, as I
once almost lost a job because I conducted a
lunch-time conference call from a sports bar during
the opening day of the NCAA tournament. I know I
sleep sports, as I once slept in a car for two days in
the middle of a Fresno parking lot as a college
student so I could watch the Santa Clara University
Broncos play in a weekend tournament. And I know I
breathe sports, as I once almost passed out from
yelling so hard at Craig Lefferts after blowing a save
for the San Diego Padres. It seems to me the only
chance I have of eating, sleeping, or breathing well
again is to get a job in which I can actually follow
sports as part of my duties.

You asked for someone with "layout skills and
demonstrated experience with dailies ... Previous
tabloid experience" Okay, I'll be honest here. The
most direct experience I have with layouts was as the
sports editor for my high school yearbook ten years
ago. My experience with dailies consists of writing
for my college newspaper, which was actually a weekly,
but to sound more legitimate, let's just pretend it
was a daily. I've spent the past five years designing
and building websites for high-tech companies, and as
it is very different from a newspaper, I nonetheless
became skilled in the art of layout. I also learned
how to operate under constant pressure of deadlines.
Granted, the deadline of publishing online technical
information for a graphics card that will be read by
six people is different than publishing a batting line
for Gary Sheffield that will be read by one million
people, but let's not split hairs. And if it counts,
I've spent many years scouring the SF Examiner sports
page from top to bottom.

You asked for someone who could "write well." I offer
this e-mail as proof of that. If not enough, notice
my B.A. in English from Santa Clara University (for
more of these kinds of specifics, view my resume at
http://www.dragonhair.com/anderson/mark-resume.html).

I know I would be a perfect fit with your team as I
have the same passion for playing and watching sports
that I am sure you have, and I am willing to work my
ass off. If that isn't enough to help me succeed at
this job, then, for the first time in my life, I am at
a loss for words.

Thanks for your time,

Mark Anderson

I'd like to apologize for the sorry blogging skills I have displayed in the past week. I was drinking fishbowls full of vodka and juice in Atlanta with mah homies K-Rizzzo and T Hizaynes. They have a different concept of drinking in Atlanta. When you order a large drink at one of their bars, you are going to get a fishbowl of liquor, complete with eight straws and some orange plastic lizards floating around. One hour later (which, if you are curious, is the time required for three grown men to consume a fishbowl full of jungle punch), you are relatively intoxicated and craving Popeye's chicken, extra crispy. Suffice to say the low-cholesterol vegetable diet came to a scratching halt last weekend, as Atlanta restaurants offer chicken, french fries, and biscuits as their sole meals. Taj once asked for the vegetarian options, and I was quite sure they were going to string up a thick rope right there and hang him from the first strong branch they could find. Those of you who know Taj will agree that if you were to hang him, you'd need a strong branch indeed. Regular wood trees probably wouldn't cut it ... Maybe a redwood ... But it'd have to be reinforced with steel to be of any reliable use ... Lucky for Taj there are no steel-enforced redwood trees in Georgia ... Eventually, we explained that by vegetarian, he meant serving carrots with the friend chicken steak, and they were okay with that ... The black people out there aren't like they are here ... They are a bit more genuine, cause there are about 11.5 million of them, effectively making them the majority. Out here, you aren't seen as black without a doo-rag on your head and your pant leg pulled up to you knee, walking like your left knee is made of silly putty. Out there, you walk like that and the black population will whoop your ass. There are too many of them for that sort of too-cool-for-school attitude. All the same, we got out of Georgia having experienced nothing but kindness, easing K-ro and Taj's minds. I'd like to give a shout out to mah homegirl JC, whom I recently found out was a Workmonkey blogger fan .. I wouldn't write these things if you guys didn't read them. Writing without an audience sucks. That is why I never wrote in a journal. I don't believe in this 'for my eyes only' shit. I already know what I am thinking, since I am the one thinking it, so why write it in a book than only I will read? It is only fun for you all to know what I am thinking too. And the best part about writing is it is like talking, only uninterrupted. My views, no listening to others, nobody telling me to shut my pie-hole. Except myself ... and myself is now telling me it is right about time to shut my pie hole.

Good night.

I did my best to celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, until a realization flooded my mind with a disturbing quickness: I don't like Mexico. I never really have. And because I don't like Mexico, I cannot say that I like their holidays either. It is possible that seven years of living in San Diego caused me to develop a certain dislike of certain elements of Mexican culture. As example, I do not like Mexican music .. there are lots of horns and guitars and men in tight velvet suits .. so, yesterday when i was at a bar listening to this music, I thought to myself, I don't like this music. A revelation! I cannot say I like Mexican beer either. Corona, Pacifico, Tecate, Dos Equis ... it all really tastes the same. You have to put limes in them to give them some taste ... And tequila has single-handedly been the cause of my puking about 78% of the time. Stucco, red tile roofs, canyons, sombreros ... You name it, and I am not a fan. So, the popularity of this holiday is fine, but next year you'll have to celebrate Mexican military holidays without me. Hey K-ro, what is up with some Japanese holidays? I'd much rather drink an Asahi with some sake and miso while watching some cool Anime flicks than suck on a lime while downing shots with worms floating around. Next year, i propose we celebrate Setsubun in lieu of Cinco De Mayo. I'll be passing the petition soon.

The news of today does not suprise me in the slightest. Star Wars II -- Attack of the Clones is getting poor reviews across the board, from the NY Times all the way across to the San Jose Mercury News. Fans are slowly becoming aware of what critics have known for a long time. George Lucas is a poor writer and mediocre storyteller who excels at digital graphics. He may set the bar in this movie with the CGI, but who really gives a shit? Lame movies with great special effects are only mediocre movies. The first Star Wars trilogy I was never a big fan of either -- I think I knew even when I was six years old that something was cheesy about Lucas movies. However, I'll give props to how it radicalized the movie industry and all that (or at least that is what people always talk about and I'll take their word for it). But that was over twenty years ago. I went to see Phantom Menace on account of all the buzz, for the same reasons I will see Attack of the Clones. But I am sure I'll have the same experience. I sit there wanting to yack at all the poor acting and pathetic lines. What kinda lines? Well, here is an early glimpse at the great romance between Anakin and Padme (great names!):

`I've been dying a little each day since you came back into my life,'' Anakin tells Padm� in a typically lame timeout from battle droids and asteroid-belt dodgems.

It is the kinda crap that, if it didn't have Lucas' name attached to it, would be out of the theatres in two weeks. Stay with me here. The point of this blogg is not to attack Star Wars or George Lucas. It is to point out the effect of hype and reputation on public opinion. Attack of the Clones gets a lot of press on account of what Lucas did twenty years ago, and all the devotion that has followed. That in no way makes it a good movie. It is like when I saw the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. I asked myself, why in hell is this a famous painting? That is all great about the inventive use of colors and facial structure, but all I see is a boring painting. Hundreds of years of critics have turned it into something that disallows me to form my own opinion on (albeit an uneducated opinion). That is what I don't like. Half the time we have to take someone else's word on what is good because we don't have the time or ability to decide for ourselves (like restaurants). But I'd sooner go to a restaurant cause K-Ro told me it was good than because I've heard about it in lots of magazines and city-talk. Okay, this blogg is starting to bore me now. I started off trying to make some sort of point, and now I am talking about K-Ro and restaurants, and I don't know how the hell I got here. I've totally lost site of my point, and I don't think I really care anymore. I guess I wanted to say Lucas is overrated, but I haven't even seen the new movie yet. How can I bitch at a movie I haven't even seen? That is like when I criticize actors or famous athletes for being lame and I've never even met them. I just read over my blogg too. Dude, why am I so passionate about this movie? I am not even interested in what I just wrote, and I am the one who wrote it. I wonder what happened. At some point I just started writing, as I haven't written in awhile, and then I thought I was interested in something that I wasn't. Now, I have to ask myself, should I even post this blogg? It kinda sucks at first, but I may have redeemed it with some of this last second soul-searching. However, it is possible that nobody even will read this far, as they will read the first part and think, man, why is Mark quoting lines from some movie that I don't even care about? He even sounds kinda arrogant or something. Shit. I feel bad about this. Sorry, guys. I'll do better next time. Stop, Mark! Stop apologizing to these people. You have nothing to apologize for! You are a good writer! Who cares if they don't like it! ARgh.

I have to stop getting up this early.

Check out this line from an article on BBC Online about the Pope:

Right-wing Turkish fanatic Mehmet Ali Agca shot the pontiff several times as he toured St. Peter's Square in the Popemobile.

The Popemobile? Is that like the Batmobile? Does it issue off oil slicks and have machine guns mounted right next to the headlights? Can it fly?

Check out more about the Pope's health history through this article .

This guy is hurting ... As a 26-year old Catholic male, it is a bit difficult to entrust the major decisions of my religion to someone who is having trouble lifting his head. But i'll go with it ... Any guy that has the Popemobile has to have some other certain powers that I don't know about ...

it is 4:28 am and I am so tired my eyes feel like someone poured hydrochloric acid on them ... wait a minute! My eyes always feel like someone poured hydrochloric acid on them. Maybe that is why they are always red. Lee is sneaking in here at night and pouring small amounts of acid on my eyes.

That bitch.

I can understand the use of abbreviations in certain circumstances. For example, it is okay if some asks me to "RSVP" rather than "Reserve As Soon As Very Possible". And if you are talking about baseball, it is okay to say WHIP as opposed to "Walks and Hits per Innings Pitched". The reason these are effective is because you truly are saving time and space when using the abbreviation. On a wedding invitation, RSVP might save you hundreds of dollars of print space, where they charge by the total number of printed letters. This makes sense. What doesn't make sense is when I get an email signed "thx" instead of "thanks". You've used three letters instead of seven, congratulations. Are you really in that much of a hurry that you cannot spell out 't-h-a-n-k-s'. What does that save you? .45 milliseconds? Granted, I'd rather get 'thx' than the obnoxious 'thanks in advance' that was going around the corporate world when I was a part of it. Who exactly comes up with this speak, and how does it spread? Someone once said, hey, I don't have time because I am a busy and important executive, so I am going to start using 'thx'. Then that person sent out an email, and others looked at it and thought 'thx' was cool. Next thing you know, Mark is getting emails with it on it. And what the hell is up with people using 'ciao' and 'cheers' to sign off on their email? Are these people Italian or British? No, in case you are wondering, they are not. They are white people from the Midwest. But, wow, using these foreign terms at the bottom of an email sure makes them sound cultured. Ciao!

Check this out ... They keep trying to curve illegal CD copying and MP3s ... The latest 'hi-tech' investment by Sony Music in CD anti-theft technology was killed by a cheap black marker. I'd love to see the team of engineers that worked on this ... Sony pours all this cash into preventing CD copying, and all they get is a CD that doesn't play on Macs, PCs, or car stereos, and can be overwritten by drawing on the CD. I guess QA isn't payed to draw on CDs. Keep trying to stop the flow of illegal music, corporate america, but it is a battle you have no chance of winning.

Today, the FBI is warning that NYC landmarks are a potential terrorist threat. Yesterday, it was a Flordia water plant. The day before, it was apartment buildings. The day before that, it was another plot to hijack a plane. Their sources are always the same, the Al Qaida prisoners at Guantanamo Bay ... I mean shit, I know you are trying to cover your asses, but these threats are starting to become unthreatening. Why not just issue a blanket threat that terrorists will do something again to some thing at some place in some country. Trying to get specific everyday just means tomorrow's threat will be whatever these prisoners come up with during the night. 'Hey, let's say that we are gonna blow up Valley Fair Mall next ... that will scare them I am sure." It is like they are playing terrorist Monopoly, and threaten whatever place they landed on during yesterday's game in the prison camp. Today, I issue a threat to Lee. Tomorrow, I will threaten Neal. The next day, watch out Jones, cause I am coming to get your ass.

I spent the long weekend in Sacramento at the Jazz Jubilee flipping cheesesteaks and mixing lemonade at the Earthly Delights food booth. The parents of Katy's friends own Earthly Delights, which essentially is a travelling restaurant that sets up a booth and sells food at many of the thousands of fairs, festivals, and concerts that take place every weekend in California. They sell a variety of food, whatever they think they can sell the most of at that concert. This weekend, at predominately white Sacramento, we served up cheesesteaks, bbq pork sandwiches, garlic fries, grilled chicken sandwiches (served with Italian, Thai, or Cajun marinade), and a variety of sausages (you can make whatever joke you want here, I made them all weekend). As example of how environment affects sales, they tried serving this same food at the yearly Afro-Caribbean fair in Mountain View last year. Apparantly, the predominately black crowd was not interested in buying chicken sandwiches from a bunch of white people, so sales sucked. You have to cater to lesbians at the Folsom Street Fair (not sure what they serve here), young professionals at the Union Street Fair, etc. Regardless, I worked for 55 hours from Thursday until Monday doing a variety of physical tasks, such as preparing the cheesesteak, taking tickets, sweeping, taking out trash, making garlic fries, etc. It had been years since I worked a physical job (as a busboy at IHOP), and it is a whole different sensation. In the corporate world, you come home mentally exhausted, but physically fine. As a food server, you come home physically exhausted with grease on your shoes, but mentally fine. It is also different because doing physical labor makes it easier to measure your work level. As example, I know I am working hard because I am taking out a lot of trash and making sure everyone that wants a cheesesteak gets one. In the corporate world, I never really was able to gauge how hard I was working. The amount of websites I finished in a week? Also, serving up cheesesteaks is known to everyone there to be a temporary job that you are only doing to make some cash, whereas serving up websites is a 'career' so everyone is much more serious. So when we were on our breaks this weekend, we wouldn't all sit around talking about the newest techniques in cheesesteak flipping and the new french fry browness gauge. On breaks at my past job, though, people would talk about the new release of Perl and how many transactions Oracle 8i could handle simultaneously. I think the most important thing I thought about is that work is work. Whether you are serving fries or creating databases, work is the same. One uses mental energy and one uses physical energy, but I am not convinced that those who use the mental energy are working any harder. In fact, I think I worked harder this last weekend than I had in years. The people who use mental energy simply get payed more. Regardless, it feels good to be using my hands again and doing an honest days work. I might be making 8 bucks an hour, but at least I didn't have fake lights glaring off my computer screen for ten hours while I talked to people in some unnatural professional voice about web strategies for fault tolerant servers. I ain't gonna do it the rest of my life, so you guys all better come by to get your free chicken sandwiches while you can. And need I mention that although you are only making 8 bucks an hour, that number doubles considering that I was able to eat free breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, in addition to the free beers I was given in exchange for a free cheesesteak. This whole carnie lifestyle has a number of benefits I had never considered. To hell with you, corporate america! (K-ro, I am expecting a nice defense of the professional world so please don't disappoint ;) by the way, that is the first email face i've used in my bloggs ever. please enjoy.)

There is a theory that has existed about the NBA for awhile. The theory is that because the NBA is essentially a sports entertainment business, it is controlled by the same factors that control any business--namely a need for the highest profit margin possible. One of their primary sources of revenue comes from their television contract. The more games that they are able to broadcast during the playoffs, the more revenue they make. In other words, it is beneficial to the NBA when a playoff series goes all seven games. As a result, the NBA and NBC executives pressure the refs to call all the games in a way that can help assure a seventh playoff game. That theory was finally proved tonight in Game 6 of the Lakers and Kings matchup. The refs insisted that the Lakers win, and thus made all the calls necessary to help them achieve the victory. Some of the calls were so blatantly in favor of the Lakers, that I think you can effectively now call the 'fixing theory' a fact. It is fully logical, following that the NBA is a business. It is naive to think that the refs aren't employees of the business, and thus are encouraged to help the business succeed. It is just so sad that they simply won't let the best team win.

Go Kings.